Letters to My Angel "Layan" (3)

    Letter to your Innocent Soul my Angel Layan (3)



Ch.3 – Voices

I’m blocking all voices around me… I can only hear you laugh, and everything I’m surrounded by just faded away…
I can only see your angelic face smiling at me telling me you’re resting in peace and everything is okay…
I’m sorry if I pushed your memories for a while…
I’m sorry if I tried to deny the fact that you’re gone…
I’m sorry if I still believe that when I go to Ramallah, I’d still find you there… painting your “Eternity” portrait using my favorite yellow and green
I’m sorry Angel… if what I believe is wrong
But facing reality is still hard
I’m still trying to figure out if this is real…
Or is it just a bad dream that I’ve been having for two years now…
Hoping I’ll just wake up soon to see you smiling at me again…
It’s funny my Angel how we don’t appreciate time… how we forget how important it is to say the words…
I miss you, I forgive you… and I love you…
We forget how much these words mean to us, and mostly how they mean our beloved ones
How they would make them feel… loved… missed and appreciated
Sometimes we just think running away is the answer…
Or we might actually believe it is easier…Than facing our feelings… and reality…
But I guess it isn’t true… because the fact that you’re gone is still chasing me
So I’m sorry if I missed the time… and wasn’t there for you when I should have been there the most…
But fear… fear my dear controlled me… and no this is not my lame excuse… this is just the sad truth…
Fear took over my decisions… made me stay in any place but near you…
And I guess I was just running away…
I can’t wish for time to go back… I can’t say I would have done things differently
Because honestly my Angel… to me, you are still here…
I can still feel your presence… I feel your soul…
Even though my heart is still bleeding… and a voice deep within is still screaming and calling out your name
“Layan… Layan… Layan…”
Hoping I’ll hear you answering back…
But all I get is hearing my soul hurting instead…
I can feel the pain… the pain of you being away…
The pain… of not being able to say goodbye
The pain… of not realizing back then, that life is truly a short tough journey
But I hold your memories in my heart…
And I look at them every time I’m having a bad time…
They give me strength… they give me hope… That you are actually still here…
I still don’t know how I feel
I’m writing you now and I’m feeling guilty for not being so clear…
But here is the thing my Angel
Yes, I am in so much pain…
And no I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad… as you’re supposed to be resting in peace now
But I can’t help but feel this physical not only emotional pain deep in my heart…
I feel it with every breath taken remembering you…
Sigh…
I miss you Layan…
I miss your smile
You know Angel… your presence is teaching me how to take it easy…
You just give me peace… you give me peace my Angel…
But the guilt is still killing me… pushing me away… far deep into the dark…
This guilt… isn’t letting me feel what I need to be feeling
Not letting me do what I need to be doing
I’m just simply lost…
And feeling kind of weird…
But somehow… the memory of you makes me smile… J
I know I’m not making sense at all… but you being gone doesn’t make sense either…
Please forgive me my Angel…
For not saying I love you and I miss you when I should have…
When I had the time… when I had the chance to make sure you would have heard my words…
Please forgive me for you are the only reality in my life…
Please forgive me for saying the right things in the wrong time
When it was only too late for you to read…
And here is another year has passed without you my Angel
One more letter for you to read
I have no stories to tell you…
As this time, I don’t wanna talk stories
I wanna talk reality
I just want to talk with you…
 By Abeer Allan
Dec.11th.2011